For decades, I tried to prove to the world I wasn’t just enough, I was more than enough.
There were a few problems with this approach.
First, “the world” is a vague notion. The world is different for each of us. And once again, my aim wasn’t true. The scale of my endeavor was all wrong. How does the grain of sand on the shore dare the ocean to acknowledge it?
Second, even if I tried to get more specific, who was the world, really? To whom, specifically, had I given so much power that I needed to prove my worth to them?
There are any number of answers to this question, and each one depends on our lived experience. For a long time I though my “who” was my dad. But then he died, and I was still trying to prove I was enough. Along the way, I also empowered people I admired, and then they’d invariably do something that proved they were just as human as I was. How could someone I couldn’t define actually define me?
There was no one person to whom I could prove I was enough.
Third – and this was a big one – maybe “the world” was God. After all, I had been raised to walk a path of salvation, which meant I had to improve if I ever expected to get anywhere good. Maybe God was judge and jury.
And then I kept remembering phrases.
The kingdom of heaven is within you.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
Blessed are the meek. The merciful.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Everything pointed toward a loving God, not one who required proof I was enough.
So chances were good my “world” wasn’t God, either.
I was getting older and running low on options. I was also running out of time.
One day, my striver’s mask slipped. In that moment, I asked myself a question.
“So who gets to determine what enough is??!!”
The answer came through as clear as a bell. For a change, I was listening.
“There is ‘enough’ all around you! Plug into it and decide for yourself! You are the only one who can, and the only one who truly knows.”
I was humbled into silence, because I knew it was true. And that silence was a beginning.
Photo credit: Michael Sendbuehler – https://instagram.com/buhlerbuhlerr?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
